Always Starting Over

Always Starting Over

A couple years ago when we were in New York, we saw If/Then the Musical.  The big song in this show is called “Always Starting Over,” and it was so powerful with the legendary Idina Menzel singing it.

Some favorite lyrics say:

Am I always starting over in a brand new story? Am I always back at one after all I’ve done?

Am I always starting over-

Well…I’m in an “always starting over” spot. I was talking to my friend Holly about this, and how hard it’s been to hit publish because it makes me feel like a failure who is back at square one.  But, this is my space.  These are my thoughts.  This is my journey.  And to be honest, I want the freedom to share here.  So judge me if you must…but I’m being real here.

I’m starting over, at least with my weight. It’s been an on-again-off-again struggle for most of my life.

But I’m currently at my highest adult weight. Ever. I’m not comfortable sharing a number, but let’s say I’m not proud of it.

It’s been ongoing for a while.

I had it all together before.  I lost 40 pounds.  I kept it off for a while. I was able to make good choices, workout, eat treats in moderation.  I was on cloud 9. I thought I had it “under control” but old habits die hard.  And triggers get pulled, and things spiral out of control.

Then back the weight came (and then a bit more).  At first it was 10 pounds while I was stressed from Tyler selling his businesses and spending some time not working.

Then it was 5 pounds from drinking extra wine while my Father-in-Law lived with us for a summer (hey, I had to cope somehow!).

Then it was 10 pounds of mindless eating while Tyler was in the police academy and training late nights.

Then it was emotional eating when Gram was sick, and then when she died.

And suffice it to say, I’m not taking care of myself.

Old, bad habits have returned. I’ve resorted to unhealthy mental patterns.  I’m making poor choices. And worst of all, I’m beating myself up over it.

I tried climbing out of this place.  I tried reading books.  I tried meal plans.  I actually had a great month doing the Whole 30 back in September, but that all came crashing down hard.

I decided I needed more help- and I’ve started some therapy.  To deal with my anxiety, my emotions, my bad habits and to get myself in a better place.

I’ve had a couple of sessions, and I’m already hopeful.  I’m not 100% back on the wagon, so to speak, but I’m hopeful that I will get there.

I’m starting over. Again. Tomorrow I’m stepping on the scale, writing down the number, and focusing on good choices.  I don’t need to be perfect.  I don’t have a goal in mind. I want to make healthy choices, feel good, and feel good about myself.  I want to be kind to myself again.  I want to be proud of myself again.

I don’t know how regularly I will post about this struggle (give me feedback if you’re interested in hearing more as I journey), but I wanted to get it out there that I’m in this place, seeking help, and starting over. I may never weigh the glorious 160 I did a few years ago.  That sure did feel good.  But more than vanity, I am on this journey to be in a good mental space and take good care of myself.

In the words of Liz in If/Then, “My new life starts right now!”


Comments

  1. I can relate to this, so well. I weighed my heaviest right after college and it took a lot of hard work, Weight Watchers, and exercise to lose down to a happy weight. I did good for awhile, and then got married. It slowly crept on. One child was born, weight up. I didn’t lose it all and then our second baby was born. I have fluctuated up and down, and finally, about a month ago was back up to the weight I was after college. And I’m not pregnant. 🙁 What a disappointment. I had a lot of these same feelings. I have just finished my first round of 21 Day Fix, and I am making progress. I’m on my second round, and even though I haven’t lost that much weight I feel so much better. I think just by making changes, you will feel better, too! Prayers for you and just know that the number on the scale doesn’t define you. (Or me. 🙂

    • Thanks for sharing, Aishlea. I am glad to know others can relate to where I am. I love the 21 Day Fix (when I can stick with it! ha!) and I’m actually hoping to start a round soon. Best of luck to you!

  2. Hi!

    I found my way over here from Sara Schott’s blog by clicking on your testimonial for her super cute planner. (I am totally addicted to cute planners, by the way!) I think a lot of us are in the exact same position of “starting over” especially when it comes to weight loss. I find myself there time and time again. Earlier this summer I started eating healthier and working with a personal trainer mainly to improve my fitness and stamina for competitive tennis. I got into great shape. But shortly after, I got tennis elbow and had to quit playing for the entire summer. I fell back into old eating habits, abandoned the workouts, and ended up at my highest adult weight ever. I’m happiest and feel my best when I’m eating well and exercising regardless of the number on the scale, so why is it so hard to keep it up?? Baffles me every time. I look forward to following you on your journey. I’m hoping to refocus on my health for the new year!

    • Hi Dana, thanks for stopping bu! I LOVE Sarah’s work and her adorable planner! I love what you said about being your happiest when you’re taking care of yourself. YES YES YES. I so agree. Hoping to find my way back to that soon.

  3. Share away – I would love to hear more about your journey. So many people are in the same boat. I’ve just decided it’s okay to go up a size in clothes – better to be comfortable than to ‘punish’ myself by wearing clothes that are too tight. I did gain some over the summer, but I’m finally at a place where I don’t care about the number on the scale or even the size on the clothing tag. I’m eating at a small deficit without cutting out certain foods (that leads to bingeing for me unless it’s a temporary measure like whole 30). And I’m lifting heavy weights (more muscle = more food). That’s how I plan to maintain it – so that’s how I have to lose it. Otherwise it’s not sustainable for me. Everyone has their own path – but that is mine. Thanks for being brave enough to post this – I have several friends I’m going to share it with.

    • Thanks, Brianne. I agree, it’s better to be comfortable. The mindset of punishing myself is all too familiar- I’m glad you’re figuring it out. I’m going to check out that program you sent me. Good luck as you work toward your goals!

  4. This sounds just like me! I had great success and lost 109 pounds a couple of years ago, was working out and making really good choices and then I got complacent. I got comfortable in my “new” body and have recently fell back into unhealthy habits, like eating heavy whipping cream with cocoa in it as a snack….EVERY day. And I haven’t been able to work out as much as I would like due to injuries. All combined have resulted in me revisiting 20 of those pounds that I have already lost. I didn’t like them then, and I really don’t like them now. Ugh, why oh why do we do this to ourselves? Romans 7:15 comes to mind. I’ll pray for you sister and you pray for me. Please continue to post your journey as it may be just the extra motivation I need.

    • Regina, thanks for the comment and the encouragement. I will surely pray for you on this journey! And I’ll keep posting- especially if it could help someone else. 🙂

  5. I am in the same boat with a lot of situations. I feel like I am always starting over. I’m really trying to focus on me and do what makes me happy.

    • Jessa- you’ve had a lot going on in your life (like I have) and I think it’s part of the journey to feel this way. It’s how we respond to it that matters. Focusing on your goals and your happiness is great.

  6. I can certainly relate to your situation. I too have found myself 20 lbs up from my comfortable weight and it is draining thinking about it. I have decided to focus on living well instead of counting every calorie. Living well is making healthy food choices, exercising 5 days a week and not stressing about what I can’t control. Thank you for sharing your journey.

  7. thank YOU for sharing and being transparent. the struggle is so very real. so proud of you for continuing to start over.. we never grow if we don’t continue to make the choice to try. right there with ya, sister.

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