A couple years ago when we were in New York, we saw If/Then the Musical. The big song in this show is called “Always Starting Over,” and it was so powerful with the legendary Idina Menzel singing it.
Some favorite lyrics say:
Am I always starting over in a brand new story? Am I always back at one after all I’ve done?
Well…I’m in an “always starting over” spot. I was talking to my friend Holly about this, and how hard it’s been to hit publish because it makes me feel like a failure who is back at square one. But, this is my space. These are my thoughts. This is my journey. And to be honest, I want the freedom to share here. So judge me if you must…but I’m being real here.
I’m starting over, at least with my weight. It’s been an on-again-off-again struggle for most of my life.
But I’m currently at my highest adult weight. Ever. I’m not comfortable sharing a number, but let’s say I’m not proud of it.
It’s been ongoing for a while.
I had it all together before. I lost 40 pounds. I kept it off for a while. I was able to make good choices, workout, eat treats in moderation. I was on cloud 9. I thought I had it “under control” but old habits die hard. And triggers get pulled, and things spiral out of control.
Then back the weight came (and then a bit more). At first it was 10 pounds while I was stressed from Tyler selling his businesses and spending some time not working.
Then it was 5 pounds from drinking extra wine while my Father-in-Law lived with us for a summer (hey, I had to cope somehow!).
Then it was 10 pounds of mindless eating while Tyler was in the police academy and training late nights.
Then it was emotional eating when Gram was sick, and then when she died.
And suffice it to say, I’m not taking care of myself.
Old, bad habits have returned. I’ve resorted to unhealthy mental patterns. I’m making poor choices. And worst of all, I’m beating myself up over it.
I tried climbing out of this place. I tried reading books. I tried meal plans. I actually had a great month doing the Whole 30 back in September, but that all came crashing down hard.
I decided I needed more help- and I’ve started some therapy. To deal with my anxiety, my emotions, my bad habits and to get myself in a better place.
I’ve had a couple of sessions, and I’m already hopeful. I’m not 100% back on the wagon, so to speak, but I’m hopeful that I will get there.
I’m starting over. Again. Tomorrow I’m stepping on the scale, writing down the number, and focusing on good choices. I don’t need to be perfect. I don’t have a goal in mind. I want to make healthy choices, feel good, and feel good about myself. I want to be kind to myself again. I want to be proud of myself again.
I don’t know how regularly I will post about this struggle (give me feedback if you’re interested in hearing more as I journey), but I wanted to get it out there that I’m in this place, seeking help, and starting over. I may never weigh the glorious 160 I did a few years ago. That sure did feel good. But more than vanity, I am on this journey to be in a good mental space and take good care of myself.
In the words of Liz in If/Then, “My new life starts right now!”