Week 45 Highlights

Week 45 Highlights

Oh baby girl. You weren’t 100% yourself this week. An ear infection creeped in and while you tried to be happy (and thank goodness still slept well!) you just weren’t as interested in fun as usual.

Case in point: Friday evening at the park. We walked a mile with you in the stroller and tried swinging together. You weren’t feeling it.

You did still enjoy plenty of daddy tickles, though!

Some snot-nosed bedtime snuggles with mama.

And for those new incoming teeth, a popsicle (not opened, just frozen).  She loved the cold!

Loving bath time, as always! Look at all that hair!

Sunday we went to Hot Springs to watch cousin Luke be baptized. She looked adorable.

At the doctors office, she was a total gem. We had to wait 40 minutes, but we just sang songs and played together. So sweet- even if the final result was another ear infection.

She passed out at uncle Neil’s house in Hot Springs, and she squirmed her way into the bottom of the couch during a nap.

Flamingos! Gotta wear our summer clothes while it’s still summer!

I had a hat day at work, and she just looked adorable…so we took some pics before school. ūüôā LOVE my girl!

And that week’s a wrap! On to more fun! (Also, the higher these weeks creep, I know we are getting close to 52! Eeek!)


On the mental side of becoming a mom

On the mental side of becoming a mom

I want to share what my mental state and thoughts have gone through in the last 10 months (or rather, the last 19 months including pregnancy). I don’t know if these feelings are a universal thing, but I have been vulnerable to a few friends who could relate. I had never heard anyone open up about these emotional issues before baby, so I felt crazy and awful experiencing it. I want to share in case I can help anyone.

Pregnancy was physically easy. (Sorry to those who had a rough time). I felt great. No sickness at all. ¬†Gestational diabetes wasn’t awesome, but the resulting healthy eating kept my weight gain to a minimum, which helped me feel physically great.

The mental side of things was an entirely different story. Everything was a disappointment. Not the actual pregnancy, of course. We were trying and happy that it happened so easily and things went smoothly. ¬†But everything else. Tyler’s response to my telling him we were pregnant wasn’t grand enough. I was upset. People weren’t fawning over pregnant me, and I was upset. I just felt like everything was a bigger deal and a bigger disappointment.

I was ¬†15 weeks pregnant in NYC on a work trip and was already feeling like I was failing my baby. I was struggling. I saw “Waitress” the musical and heard these lyrics:

“It’s not simple to say, that most days I don’t recognize me……

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She’s all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine”

I cried hearing that. That’s how I felt. I was broken. I was lonely. I was gone.

Side not: What was crazy is that the character in the musical was pregnant too….it was a big parallel of that NYC trip. I saw THREE musicals with pregnant characters that trip!

I hated how it was all going. I wished for a do-over. I spent lots of time crying and upset. I know now that I was suffering from some anxiety and depression. I did reach out to my doctor at one point, but they just handed me medication over the phone (I had called to schedule an appointment and the nurse prescribed me Zoloft over the phone). There were scary things about pregnancy in the medicine brochure so I didn’t take it long (like a week, maybe?).

After baby, I did have some emotional high. But that quickly faded. ¬†I did many things to try and help. I got outside. I walked. I did some hormone stuff. ¬†But I always felt like everyone had the best time with my baby — holding her while she slept while I cooked dinner. And then she would have her witching hour (THANK GOODNESS it was only her first few weeks of life) and I felt like she hated me. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right for her. Everyone else seemed to have an easier time than I did (looking back, well DUH! They hadn’t actually been the one giving birth. Of course things were easier for them!)

I second guessed every decision. I felt like a bad mom. I looked forward to going back to work so I wouldn’t have to. To what? I’m not sure. But life just felt heavy. I finally asked for help. Help and understanding from my husband, from my family, from my doctor.

I did take some medication, but I also prioritized myself. I made eating healthy and working out and sleep a priority. I made sure to do some things that felt like they gave me life. Sometimes that meant fighting guilt and leaving baby to get a break.

I had lots of moments where I felt like the worst mother on the planet. I have to be honest that those days are (thankfully) fewer and far between, but they still happen. Days when I yell-cry. Days when I call my mom freaking out because I feel like my chest may cave in from the weight of it all.

But it does get better. With help. With intentionality. With work. With medication. With supplements. With sleep. With laughter. With understanding.

I guess I just share that to say, if you’re feeling like you’re gone, there’s hope. There’s hope in Jesus. He wants better for me (and you!) and he is the provider of truth – and I knew those thoughts weren’t the truth (even though they felt truthful in my heart). ¬†Reach out. To me, if you want. I’m happy to help. But let someone in. You don’t have to be stuck there. I’m so thankful I’m not.

And if someone around you has had a baby, ask how they are. REALLY ask. I read from someone recently that a friend asked how her soul was. That’s profound. Dig until you feel like she’s telling you the truth. She may be ok, but she may need someone to say “It’s ok to not be ok.” I reached out to a couple different people who didn’t know how to respond. ¬†Take her to lunch. ¬†Come over and bring chocolate and wine and queso and a funny movie. ¬†Laughter is medicine. Friendship is medicine. Funny memes texted late at night are medicine.

I’m grateful that now I feel much more joy than I do worry. Much more pride than I do shame. Much more happy than fear. Much more peace than I do anxiety. Much more love. From others, from my baby, for my baby, and for myself.

 


44 Week Highlights

44 Week Highlights

Oh sweet girl, this week was just plain fun. We’ve enjoyed every minute this week. ¬†No meltdowns, no issues. All fun.

Even with all these new teeth!  I snagged a pic when the front tooth came through this week, but both fronts appeared this week!

She got a ponytail and a new outfit for church Sunday. And she was ALL smiles while I got ready (thanks, baby holder for being able to get ready and do my makeup!)

At our friend’s house, she played with their piano and loved making music!

She also loved the guitar. I mostly did the strumming, but she tried patting the strings.

She also loved all the new people and toys at their house!

She’s found the camera in her room. ¬†I know she doesn’t know what it is other than something attached to the crib rail, but it’s funny to see her reach for it in the mornings.

One morning right after I dropped her off at school, I got a text from one of her teachers. I panicked for a minute because I thought something was wrong. Nope. Just a picture. ha! ¬†In the early morning, they are all in one room and apparently, she ended up with some older girls (who LOVE Remi!) having girl talk. She doesn’t know she’s little!

Teething sure takes it out of her! She falls asleep easily while teething- and passed out with a bottle in my arms. I held her for a while soaking up her sweetness.

One night we finished dinner early, so we headed to the lake for a little family swim. Sweet girl LOVES the water. We just played for like 30-40 minutes and then came home for a quick bath and bedtime. Love this time with my people.

Thursday night she and dada (and Gigi) had a date night. Me and my mom went out for dinner and a show at the local live theater….and I got this picture right before bedtime. You can tell she was zoning out. Bless. She loves her sleep and is so dependent on that nighttime routine and regular bedtime.

We are ready for even more fun together this weekend!


43 Week Highlights

43 Week Highlights

Oh little girl, how you’re growing! Crazy to think you’ll turn 10 months this week!

We had a lot of fun this week. Here are the highlights:

She had her first playdate with mommy’s friend Danielle’s baby Mags. They’re too little to interact much (she’s just a month or so older) but they were both very interested in each other and there were a lot of sweet miles. And the moms VERY MUCH enjoyed the company and friend time.

Remi enjoyed some cousin time! (Well, Gavin was actually last week, but I didn’t get the pic until this week ha!).

Remi just stared at Gavin. She was very intrigued by him. It’s sweet that a 15 year old teen wanted to spend any time with his baby cousin while visiting, but he did! He didn’t do much but watch her play, but I know someday soon he’ll teach her how to catch a football!

And cousin Caitlyn came to visit and enjoyed some Remi time, too!

Silly girl is getting so expressive.

We often take pics to send to daddy in the morning. This was Tuesday when I was going to be gone to Tulsa, so I sent him this pic to tell him her shirt had buttons on the back (he often misses those) so he didn’t pull her head off later when getting her ready for dinner and bed. ha!

Snack time looked like a murder scene.  Blackberries are messy.

While I put laundry away, she got herself up into our shower and started exploring. This fearless girl is gonna make momma go gray!

We had Remi’s first lake day! She LOVES the water and even took her nap out there with Grammy.

Daddy was off on Saturday and we all loved having him around!

And since I’ll forget to post it anywhere else, Remi had a sleepover with Gigi while me and Ty had a date night in NWA. We saw the Chihuly exhibit at night, which was AWESOME.

So much fun for us all!