I Want It All

I Want It All

I spend a lot of time listening to Broadway radio on XM.  I love it.  I not only hear songs from the musicals I know and love, I get to discover new-to-me shows.

One song I heard really resonated with me.  It was the song “I Want It All” from Baby.  Upon further investigation, Baby is a unique show set in the lobby of a OB/GYN (from what I can tell online and from videos) and features several expecting women.  This song talks about the women wanting everything.  And while I don’t have a child yet, I totally feel this sentiment in my life now.

I want to be able to do my job, do my hobbies, spend time with my friends, my family, volunteer, relax….and it’s almost too much to do.  But I want it all.

But alas, like all things in my life, I’m learning to find the balance. Sometimes I have to pick and choose.  I can want it all, but sometimes I can’t do it all.

And that’s ok.

 

This may seem like a refrain I’ve been repeating, but it’s a lesson I’m continually learning.

I love these lyrics from “I Want it All”

I want it all
I want adventure, love, career, kids large and small
I want it all
I want a quiet simple life and some glory
And Steven Spielberg filming my first story
I want to be Gloria Steinam, Janice Joplin, Annie Hall
I want to be Catherine Hepburn, Connie Chung, Madame de Stae”l
I want to be Mother Teresa, Sally Ride, Lucille Ball
I want it all

 

So can we have adventure and a quiet simple life?  I think so.  Just not at the exact same time.

I think I can be Mother Teresa and Lucille Ball both.  I like to think so.  I just have to find the balance.

How do you find balance in wanting it all and having (some of) it?


When I Struggle…

When I Struggle…

I don’t know why, but here lately, I’ve felt some anxiety.  I can’t pinpoint it, but there are times when breathing hurts.  It’s heavy.  It’s burdonsome.  There are things that my mind wanders to that cause this anxiety feeling, but it’s not always the same.

Sometimes it’s Tyler’s job.  Sometimes it’s wondering what his schedule will be.  What life will look like in two short weeks when he is finished training.  Sometimes it’s Alzheimer’s.  Sometimes it’s paying bills.  Sometimes it’s the pile of dishes in the sink. Any of those can induce a panicked feeling.

For me, that feeling often comes with the urge to eat..  I have struggled with emotional eating and binge eating in the past, and old habits and struggles die hard.  For a few weeks, I’ve had episodes where I’ve defaulted to old habits. I am not proud of this.  It’s a visible struggle.  People can see the extra weight, the bloat, the chips I turned to. The box of Girl Scout cookies that got me through the evening.

It hurts.  It’s ugly.  It’s defeating.  It’s shameful.

But the only way to get over it to talk about it.  To put it out there.  To let others in.

But that’s hard too.  It’s admitting I’m not as perfect as I think I appear.

To be vulnerable.  To let others see those parts of me I’m not proud of.

It’s crying to your husband who is trying to understand.  Who doesn’t know what to do or say other than hug you.  It’s telling your friends that you’re struggling.  And sometimes getting a “I’ve been there too.”

I DO know that once again, I will claw my way out of this.  Life will settle down.  I will make conscious choices to be in God’s word, and letting His truth set these captive thoughts free.  I will make choices to eat right and work out, even when it’s hard.  I will come out of this.  And if it’s too hard, I may see a doctor about it (I don’t feel like I’m there yet).

But I do know that it’s ok to talk about when you’re struggling.  And while it’s not all the time for me, it’s been some of the time.  But when I struggle, I do whatever I can do overcome it.  The struggle is part of my story – and the beautiful part is that I get to share my story with others – even these parts.

The Struggle


When Someone Disappoints You

When Someone Disappoints You

I won’t go into too much detail, but someone I love recently disappointed me.

They said they were going to do something big to help, and sort of backed out in a roundabout way.

It stinks.  It really stinks.

It stinks to think you could depend on someone, and needed their help, and they backed out.

It stinks to have to scramble to find a solution, since they left me high and dry.

It stinks to sort of feel burned when you’ve asked for help, because it makes you not want to ask again. But our lives are meant to be lived with the help of others…and the disappointment is a part of it, I guess.

So now what?  Well, there’s a local pastor in town who blogs, and I love his blog.  He’s not my pastor, but I agree with most everything he posts. (Side note: he blogs a lot about marriage, sex, special needs parenting, leadership, and more.  Check him out at KevinAThompson.com.)

He wrote a post about overcoming life’s disappointments that I love. He says you have to do three things when you feel disappointed: 1) mourn what was lost, 2) appreciate what you have, 3) prepare for what’s ahead.

So that’s where I am.  I am mourning the rug that was pulled out from under me.  But I think the most powerful thing is appreciating what you have.  While I’m disappointed in this case, there are things surrounding this situation to be thankful for.  There are also external things to be thankful for.  But taking a good look at what’s still good is essential.

And lastly, you still have to prepare.  We still have to find a solution.  It may not look the way we thought (or the way we want), but we have to move forward.

So that’s where I am.  A little disappointed in people, a little sad about what was lost, and trying to remain positive as we plan and prepare despite this disappointment.

 

 

And because they say every blog should have a picture, he’s a picture of two creatures who don’t disappoint me. My pups. 🙂  They were adorable sitting together in the bathroom the other morning.

IMG_8810


Beautiful

Beautiful

It’s amazing how different I feel about myself after just a couple of weeks of taking better care of myself.  Eating better, working out, positive self-talk.  The change can happen fast.  I seem to swing inbetween beating myself up for bad choices, feeling guilty, and hating my body….and then being on cloud 9 because I’m treating myself right.

This also applies to my attitude during the workouts too.  Those first couple of days back at it, when it gets hard, I’m so tempted to quit.  To say “I can’t.”  But once my mindset switches, I’m all “This is tough, but I can do it.”  This morning at my workout group (I’m going on Wednesdays to work out with some friends), we were doing planks.  30 seconds, then 45 seconds, then a whole minute.  By that last minute, I’m spent.  I can’t hold it the whole time (yet).  I want to quit.  But instead, I give myself a second of rest and get back up.  I fight for it.

But here’s the crazy part: those two girls- the worthless one that I hate and the fighter – both live inside me.  They are the same person. The difference is my attitude.  I seem to forget my worth because I’m treating myself in a worthless way.  I don’t like that.  And more than even losing weight, I’m hoping to finally hold onto my worth during this process.  To see that I’m WAY more than those bad choices I beat myself up over.  I’m more than failure and negativity- even on my worst days.

Last week at my workout group, we did crunches to this song…and it’s been with me ever since.

The days will come when you don’t have the strength
When all you hear is you’re not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they’d see too much

You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His

Take a listen, sweet friend.  Take these words to heart.  You’re worth more than whatever you’re struggling with.  You’re beautiful. You’re made for more.

Beautiful-mercyme!