This is Hard

This is Hard

Can I be real with you?  Like open, honest, ugly truth with you?

This police life thing is proving to be hard. Freaking hard. Hurting heart, crying in my pillow hard.

I know it will get easier, especially once Tyler finishes this training/rookie year. I know we’ll get used to some of these things. We will adjust.  These things will be normal.

But man, it’s hard now.

It’s hard to spend the nights alone.

It’s hard to lock up the house and take care of myself all the time.

It’s hard to cook a dinner for a man who has to head out the door and can’t eat it.

It’s hard to need him during the day to make a decision (like buying tires) and him be busy/on duty/sleeping.

It’s hard to send a text message and wait two hours for a response.  Suddenly, those two hours seem very dangerous and scary.

It’s hard to watch him be so stressed out because every small thing could be a deal breaker.  Basically, at this point, they are watching his every move. Something like forgetting his flashlight that night could mean he gets fired, if it results in something bigger. So he gets stressed easily, especially as he prepares to leave.

It’s hard to watch him leave the house knowing he is going to something dangerous.  I fight the “this could be the last time I see you” thoughts.

It’s hard to occupy myself when he is sleeping on his off time. His schedule is SO wonky, so once he finally gets some time off, he has to sleep first. And right now, that means sleeping most of the day away on Saturday.  It’s hard to spend time alone or with others, when I really just want to spend it with him.

It’s hard to hear stories of the situations he’s been in. I know it’s par for the course, but it’s still hard to imagine him in the middle of some of this.

It’s hard to watch his behavior change.  He has to be tough with people. But he has to figure out how to turn that off. It’s hard to be graceful as he figures it all out.

In fact, that’s the hardest part.  I want to be a grace-filled wife. I want home to be a refuge for him. I want him to feel relaxed at home and around me. But I struggle with letting some things go. And the stress, worry, and other emotions build up.  And I’m not always the best about dealing with it all.  I blow up.  I cry.  I shut down.  I make mountains out of molehills. We talk, we try to understand each other. We  try to be better and serve each other better. But it’s hard. But even though it’s hard, it’s worth it.  We will keep learning, communicating, and trying our best to make this work.

Law enforcement life, I’m learning, isn’t for the weak. You have to be strong personally, and your marriage has to be stronger. disslist3

 


Comments

  1. My husband is an EMT and we didn’t make it. I didn’t make it. I couldn’t handle the life. It tore at us. Once we had a child things got way worse as I was having to do it all. He stopped doing anything around the house and with us. He disconnected. He brought the job home. I hated that he was never home. It was just a mess. Just know that I feel for you. You can get through this. Talk to him and let him know how you feel and also let him know that you understand that things are not easy for him either.

  2. As the wife of an officer for the past 17 years, I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s not easy on a person and especially hard on a marriage. The divorce rate among officers is unbelievable. We have watched so many of his coworkers and their wives not make it. It is a sacrifice that you both make and once you have a family, the whole family makes.

    I will say that it does get better with time. My husband worked nights, 6pm – 6am, for 14 years of our marriage. It’s just a matter of learning a new way of life and it takes time. It’s hard being alone, having to make decisions on your own, missing holidays, having to be quiet during the day hours, etc. I could go on and on.

    The behavior change is extremely hard to deal with and it is something we still struggle with. I have to remind him sometimes that we are his family, not criminals and we shouldn’t be treated as such. It’s hard for me to understand and remember that he has to be this way for his job and it is hard to turn it on and off. It’s also hard for him to ever relax and enjoy vacations because he is constantly in officer mode.

    I know these are things you probably don’t want to hear but it is hard but it is worth it too. I hope that you will be able to adjust and if you ever need any advice or just to vent, feel free to email me..

    • Kim, thank you so much for your comment. It’s great to hear from others who have been there. I know this is hard, which is one reason I was apprehensive of him wanting to do it so badly….but I’d rather him be doing something he likes. Doing something miserable would be hard on us, too. I love the “hard but it is worth it.” I agree. I’m hoping for a fast adjustment. 🙂

  3. Gosh, there are so many things about law enforcement families that I’d never even considered- thank you for sharing so openly. I can’t imagine how difficult this transition is- you’re handling it with more grace than I would, for sure. I will be praying that yall have good time just to connect and enjoy life together…even if it’s at weird times, I guess!

    • Erika- thanks for the support to be open. And thank you for the prayers. Some days, praying is the only way I keep my head up, my eyes dry, and my tongue on hold. 🙂

  4. I know this has been a big adjustment for you guys, and I’m praying for you! It’s hard for me to understand what you’re going through, because I lock the doors and go to bed alone every night. Lol. But I know this is a huge lifestyle change for you, and change is never easy. It’s good though to have situations that challenge us in life. That’s how you learn and grow. I’m so proud of Tyler and the work he is doing to make our community a better place. You are a strong, independent woman and you can conquer anything. I’m here anytime you need to get out of a lonely house and grab a cup of coffee (or a marg!). Love you B!

    • Thanks, Lauren. Yeah…I mean, I lived alone before we got married…so it’s stuff I’ve done before- but you’re right, it’s a change and a challenge. I’ll definitely be hitting you up soon for some fun! 🙂

  5. Praying for God to give you peace during the hours he is away and love during the hours he is with you.

  6. Brianne Leonard :

    I love how open and honest you are. Thank you for sharing the difficulties. I will be praying for you guys and all law enforcement families.

  7. I am also a LEOW, and my husband and I have been married 17 years. We have two children ages 15 and 11. We’ve been in law enforcement for 15 years. I say “we” because while it is him who goes out on duty, it’s me who is his partner, support, back up, etc. We are a team. We’ve done 12 hour night shifts while our kids were younger, and now he’s Sergeant on day shift. All that to say, it’s all hard, the longer they serve the more you will see the toll it takes on a LEO family. However, I’m proud of my husband’s service and I’m proud to have a marriage that can withstand this calling. I’m proud of the father my husband is to our kids despite the stressful job he does. I have learned over time to be patient, understanding, show grace and love always, listen before you speak, pray lots and seek out support when you need it. I’ll be praying for you and your LEO.

    • Thank you for your comment, Tara. It is getting easier (we are coming up on one year). You’ve given great advice…and I always appreciate prayers. Thank you!

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