Mama Here

Mama Here

I wrote this several nights ago after rocking Remington back to sleep…..

Tonight I held you.

You seemed so big when I picked you up. It took effort.

You woke up early and were crying. You haven’t done that in a while. I gave you a bottle and rocked you. You didn’t want to be held like a baby. You wanted to be upright, chest to chest. You laid your head on my shoulder and grabbed a handful of my hair.

Your other hand curled around my face. Your little fingers wiggled. Those fingers still feel tiny.

I rubbed your back and patted your bottom. I told you, like I always do, our saying for Mama is here to help you-  “Mama here.”

You squirmed.  You don’t love being held too tight for too long. You are independent. You are a mover.

But I held you.  I held you for an hour and a half. I think your tummy was upset. You got pretty upset at one point, but I just kept holding you. Mama here.

When you finally fell back to sleep, you seemed like my little baby again. Your head resting in the crook of my hair, hot like it always is. You’re my portable furnace.

You tucked your little hand into the collar of my nightgown. You like to feel me close. I’m here.

Mama here.

Some days are a challenge.  Some days are long. Some days I’m easily frustrated and tired and overwhelmed. Not always with you.  With work. With life. With things to do. With myself.

Sometimes I’m sad when I have to clear out the clothes you’ve outgrown. Sometimes I’m so proud at how quickly you’re learning that I could burst.

Happy, sad, overwhelmed…I’m here.  I’m here for the “I woke up and can’t sleeps.”  The “I don’t feel goods” and the “It hurts.”  The “I’m too tired to sleeps.”  The “I’m scareds.”  Mama here, baby girl.

And what a privilege it is to be.

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