I don’t know why, but here lately, I’ve felt some anxiety. I can’t pinpoint it, but there are times when breathing hurts. It’s heavy. It’s burdonsome. There are things that my mind wanders to that cause this anxiety feeling, but it’s not always the same.
Sometimes it’s Tyler’s job. Sometimes it’s wondering what his schedule will be. What life will look like in two short weeks when he is finished training. Sometimes it’s Alzheimer’s. Sometimes it’s paying bills. Sometimes it’s the pile of dishes in the sink. Any of those can induce a panicked feeling.
For me, that feeling often comes with the urge to eat.. I have struggled with emotional eating and binge eating in the past, and old habits and struggles die hard. For a few weeks, I’ve had episodes where I’ve defaulted to old habits. I am not proud of this. It’s a visible struggle. People can see the extra weight, the bloat, the chips I turned to. The box of Girl Scout cookies that got me through the evening.
It hurts. It’s ugly. It’s defeating. It’s shameful.
But the only way to get over it to talk about it. To put it out there. To let others in.
But that’s hard too. It’s admitting I’m not as perfect as I think I appear.
To be vulnerable. To let others see those parts of me I’m not proud of.
It’s crying to your husband who is trying to understand. Who doesn’t know what to do or say other than hug you. It’s telling your friends that you’re struggling. And sometimes getting a “I’ve been there too.”
I DO know that once again, I will claw my way out of this. Life will settle down. I will make conscious choices to be in God’s word, and letting His truth set these captive thoughts free. I will make choices to eat right and work out, even when it’s hard. I will come out of this. And if it’s too hard, I may see a doctor about it (I don’t feel like I’m there yet).
But I do know that it’s ok to talk about when you’re struggling. And while it’s not all the time for me, it’s been some of the time. But when I struggle, I do whatever I can do overcome it. The struggle is part of my story – and the beautiful part is that I get to share my story with others – even these parts.