Ditching the guilt

Ditching the guilt

When I was pregnant, the guilt started. When I got gestational diabetes, I felt like it was my fault. Like I did something wrong. (Thank goodness for learning it was just a wonky placenta that was imbalanced. My doctor said women of all healths, sizes and ages get GD).

Then with the GD, I would feel so guilty if I occasionally indulged. Being pregnant and monitoring my carb intake was TOUGH. Have you ever been pregnant? There are cravings. I cried one time because all I wanted was strawberry cake. My husband told me to eat the darn cake. Was I hurting my baby? Turns out, I did such a great job managing it that she was TINY at birth (and overdue!).  My doctor commended my work, saying maybe I had been too good. ha!

Then she was born. The guilt started.  We didn’t get a breastfeeding relationship started. She wouldn’t latch (now I suspect a lip tie, but it’s a little too late now). I felt guilt because I wanted to do it, but couldn’t. I wanted to give her the “best.”  I pumped. I was miserable pumping. I couldn’t tend to her while I pumped…I hated being hooked up to that machine so often. After 6 weeks (and after having a suspicious mole cut off my breast), we decided to stop. It was hurting from the dermatological procedure and my sanity needed to stop pumping.

Then we were at home together. Was I talking to her enough? Was I reading to her enough? Was she sleeping enough? Was she securely attached?

Then I went back to work. Am I being selfish? Will she love my mom (who kept her during the days) more than me? Will she feel abandoned? And if I did anything after work, I felt so guilty. Guilty for getting a hair cut. Guilty for going grocery shopping on my way home. So. Much. Guilt.

I spent so much time worried, unhappy, frustrated, anxious and guilt-ridden.

I’ve let go of that. After a lot of praying, support, and self-seeking, I let go of that guilt.

She loves me. She’s happy. She’s healthy. I’m a better person for taking time for myself (and who wants an anxious, frustrated mama?) And I honestly think she’s a better baby for being flexible and around people. I NEED to work. I feel a purpose there. I need interaction with people. That’s something God has put inside me just as much as he purposed me to be her mom. I feel better working out. I feel better if I go out with my husband or my mom or friends once in a while. I am happier after taking a couple days off to do something I love (Hanson Day!). And I actually feel much better knowing it would all be ok if I were (heaven forbid) to be sick for a while or have to travel for work or be gone. It was nice to see our village do their thing.

I’ve felt like a few people were trying to lay the guilt on me for doing things for myself. For going out of town. For working out after work. For daycare. For being me. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I realized that anyone putting those feelings on me were having their own issues.

I’m happy. I’m healthy. I love my baby more than she’ll ever know. And thankfully, I’m guilt-free.


Updated Hanson Concert History

Updated Hanson Concert History

I know that 99% of you won’t care, but this is for my history. It’s fun to hear a song for the first time and KNOW it’s the first time you’ve heard it live. Here’s my Hanson concert history…

  1. August 07, 2004 Tulsa, OK Cains Ballroom
  2. October 27, 2007 Austin, TX La Zona Rosa
  3. August 04, 2010 Memphis, TN Minglewood Hall
  4. September 09, 2011 Memphis, TN Delta Fair and Music Fest (no setlist available, but I remembered some songs that I heard and added them to the list)
  5. May 05, 2013 Tulsa, OK Cain’s Ballroom 1st show (MOE)
  6. June 08, 2013 St. Louis Uncorked  (no setlist in the database, but I kept my own)
  7. September 15, 2013 Antone’s Austin, TX
  8. September 16, 2013 House of Blues Dallas, TX
  9. May 17, 2014 Tulsa, OK Cain’s Ballroom (MOE)
  10. May 16, 2015 Tulsa, OK Cain’s Ballroom (MOE)
  11. May 17, 2015 Tulsa, OK The Hop Jam
  12. October 24, 2015 Dallas, TX House of Blues
  13. October 25, 2015 Dallas, TX House of Blues
  14. May 21, 2016 Tulsa, OK Brady Theater
  15. May 19, 2017 Tulsa, OK Cain’s Ballroom
  16. May 20, 2017 Tulsa, OK Cain’s Ballroom

 

Some highlights:

With You in Your Dreams in Austin
Madeline in Memphis
Scream and Be Free in Dallas
Never Been to Spain encore in Austin
Man from Milwaukee at MOE 2014
Thinking of You at MOE 2015
Chain of Fools at House of Blues on the RNR Tour
Yearbook at Hanson Day 2017

Here is my list of Hanson songs I’ve heard live according to HansonStage’s database:

144 unique songs live
324 songs live

Middle of Nowhere
Thinking of You – 4
MMMBop -9 (they only listed 7, but I know I heard this in
Memphis and St. Louis)
Weird – 2
Speechless – 1
Where’s The Love – 8
Yearbook – 1
Look At You – 3
Minute Without You -8
Madeline -3 (they only listed two, but I know I heard it in
Memphis)
With You in Your Dreams – 4 (includes Taylor’s solo performance at his lecture at MOE 2015)
Man from Milwaukee – 2

This Time Around
You Never Know – 3
If Only -4
This Time Around -8
Can’t Stop – 1
Wish that I was There- 1
Love Song – 1
Hand in Hand- 1
In The City – 7
A Song To Sing – 2
Love Song- 1
Save Me- 2
Runaway Run – 1
Lonely Again -1

Live From Albertane
Gimme Some Lovin – 1
Shake a Tail Feather- 1

3 Car Garage
Stories – 2

Underneath
Strong Enough To Break -4
Dancing In The Wind – 1
Penny and Me – 10
Underneath – 2
Lost Without Each Other – 6
Broken Angel -3
Crazy Beautiful – 3
Hey – 6
Lullabelle – 1
Deeper – 2
Get Up and Go – 2

The Walk
Great Divide – 3
Been There Before – 7
Georgia – 1
Watch Over Me – 5
Running Man – 1
Fire on the Mountain – 1
Go – 1
Blue Sky – 1
Tearing it Down – 1
Something Going Round – 3
The Walk – 1
I’ve Been Down – 1
Got a Hold On Me – 1
Great Divide (acapella) – 1

Shout It Out
Waiting for This- 6
Thinking Bout Something – 7
Kiss Me When You Come Home – 2
Carry You There – 1
Give a Little – 5
Make It Out Alive – 2
And I Waited – 6

Musical Ride – 1
Voice in the Chorus – 4
Me Myself and I – 1

Live and Electric
Optimistic – 1
In a little while- 1
Rock N Roll Razorblade – 3 (one wasn’t in their count, but I
know I heard it at a concert before)

ANTHEM
Fired Up -6
I’ve Got Soul -6
Get The Girl Back -6
Already Home – 4
Cut Right Through Me – 2
Scream And Be Free – 6
You Can’t Stop Us Now- 3
Juliet- 3
For Your Love- 2
Tragic Symphony- 2
Lost Without You- 2
Get So Low (Condor Sessions)- 1

Roots of Rock N Roll EP
I want to take you higher- 1
Hold on, I’m Coming- 1
Remember the Time- 1
I believe in a thing called love- 1
Thinking out loud – 1

Members Only EP
On and On – 4
Call Out My Name – 1
Roller Coaster Love – 6
Best of Times – 4
Sound of Light – 5
On the Road- 1
Show Me the Way – 1
What’s Your Name- 1
Panic in the Streets – 1
White Collar Crime – 3
Sunny Day/Cecelia- 1
Down – 1
Never Let Go – 1
Dance Like You Don’t Care – 2
Give Me Your Best Shot- 1
What are We Fighting For- 1
Heartbreaker- 1
Call Me – 1
Need You Now- 1
Grace Unknown – 1
Follow Your Lead – 2
Get Out of My Heart – 2
Up All Night – 1
No Sleep for Banditos – 1
Ooh La La La – 1
Stop Me in My Tracks – 1
No Rest for the Weary – 2
Something Loud – 1
Siren Call – 1
Do You Believe in Love – 1
Man on Top – 1
Joyful Noise – 1
Feeling Alive – 1
Somebody that Wants to Love You – 1
Ghostwriter – 1
Reach out for my Hand – 1
I Don’t Want to Go Home – 1
I Lift You Up – 1
 

Other
Being Me – 1
The Ugly Truth – 1
Waiting For This / Watch Over Me / Rock N Roll Razorblade / In The
City medley – 1
Lonely Again -1
Sexy Robot (teaser) – 1
A life without you – 1

Cover
Its a Long Way To The Top – 1
Hole In My Life – 1
Let Love Rule – 1
Never Been To Spain – 2
Oh Darling -2
Dancing In The Streets – 2
Living on Tulsa Time – 2 (I know I heard one other time)
It’s a long way to the top (If you wanna rock n roll) – 1
Signed, sealed, delivered – 1
Teach Your children – 1
Desire-1
Hole in my life -1
Let love rule- 1
God Only Knows – 1
I want to take you higher- 1
Cecelia- 2
Twist and shout- 1
Whole lotta love- 1
You may be right- 1
Movin’ out -1
Me and Julio Down by the schoolyard- 1
Chain of Fools- 1
A Song for You – 1
I want you back – 1
Stand by Me – 1


Hanson Day Weekend 2017

Hanson Day Weekend 2017

This was my 5th Hanson Day event. It may have been my favorite one yet.

We headed out Friday morning after dropping Remi off at daycare (shoutout to the grandmas and Tyler for keeping her at home so I could have a fun weekend. It was much needed, and she had a blast at home without me).

We got to Tulsa right as the rain was rolling in.  We pulled out our rainjackets and headed to Cain’s to register.

The bottom DROPPED out right as we got to Cain’s. Poor Amber got a wet butt trying to get inside, but we were mostly spared.

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After we registered, we waited in line for pics with the band. We took our pic with the band before our pic with the band. ha!

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After we met the band, we got in line for the store. We waited like 3 hours in the rain (#hardcore) but we got our shirts and such. Then we went to Cain’s for the “lectures.”  We thought they were just going to talk about Middle of Nowhere and some other song history….but they did like a 2.5 hour acoustic storyteller session instead. It. Was. Amazing.

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They played deep cuts that they hardly ever play- including Yearbook!  I have loved that song since I was 10. And I finally got to hear it!img_3607

After the lectures/concert, we went to dinner at Hey Mambo with a couple of my friends who were also there.  The power went out while we were eating, which was interesting. They kept cooking, the musicians kept playing….we just ate by flood lights. ha!

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Saturday was a SPECTACULAR day.

We started with Hurts Donuts for breakfast. Yes, please.img_2560-1

I got a Jjesus (cinnamon sugar frosted and a maple bacon bar….I could only eat like 1/3 of it all).img_3641

It was sunny (thank you, Lord!) but was a little cool, so we had jackets on. We walked down from the Blue Dome District to the art gallery. img_2554

At the art gallery, they also had Hanson memorabilia. We got to take pics with the original MMMBop pansy. It was amazing to stand there with history (even if the photo booth pics are bad quality).

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On the way back, we stopped by the “Center of the Universe” a strange statue and an echo circle. img_2574

This is our feet in the center of the universe. 🙂img_3648

We headed to the Blue Dome Arts Festival next where we bought some super cute artwork, ate yummy food truck goodness and listened to live music. These were bacon bombs from MASA- shrimp, cheese, and peppers wrapped in bacon. img_3652

After lunch, we went back to the hotel for some relaxation time. We spent it in the warm sunshine (now that it warmed up) by the rooftop pool. So wonderful. img_3660

After we got ready, we headed back to the store to grab some EPs and we visited the 3CG wall mural. img_2602-1img_2604-1

After the store, we went in for the concert. 1,200 fans makes for a long line.

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They played a GREAT show. The new EP (In Color), lots of fan club classics, and plenty of normal Hanson music. The disco ball came on at Cain’s and we partied. Love. img_3697

I am so thankful that my favorite band makes such special times for their fans. We are so lucky. img_3706

My 5th Hanson show with this girl! At my most favorite venue. img_2660

Sunday we grabbed breakfast, went by Trader Joe’s and came home. Amber had a long drive ahead of her, so we didn’t stay for their beer/music festival. It was SUCH A GREAT weekend. Lots of laughs, good food, relaxation, and amazing music.


32 Week Highlights

32 Week Highlights

This girl is on the MOVE! She’s up on all fours and rocking…and she can army crawl (not quite full crawling yet) but she can get across the room! So crazy! She crawled over to Pippin. The dogs (and their toys) better watch out!

This was taken on Mother’s Day. It was a pretty uneventful day since Tyler was working- so we just did normal church and lunch and naps. We were singing and playing together and had a great day together. I love being her mama.

This was taken on Saturday morning. We planned a surprise birthday party for Grammy, and she played while I cooked breakfast!

This is the face of a baby who woke up at 5 a.m. ready to play. Oh well, more playtime together!

One day last week, she wore her Hanson “Play” onesie. I LOVE it.

The back is PERFECT for our busy little girl. 

Baby planks are the best. (ignore our messy living room…we had done a spray bath after dinner and hadn’t put on jammies yet- hence the towel and jammies.)

I got SUCH CHEESY smiles before daycare one morning. So silly.

Getting so big! Talking so much, so close to crawling (we are still creeping) and saying real words.